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Monday, October 27th, 2008
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So it's been 9 weeks.
This sucks.
fucking shite....I'm so tired of it all ready
Meh....
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Sunday, September 28th, 2008
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I'm waiting for your call. Just like all the other sundays. I'm trying so hard, to not burst into tears.
I love you....I miss you...there's nothing more I can say. I want to hear your voice, I need to.
I've written. Several. I get angry, I get sad, I get depressed. I'm feeling like a panic attack is about to happen.
I'm proud of you. I know you can do this. I know you have to do this. Yet I still feel like my soul is slipping away.
I spend my days off bored. I try to fill my time with things. Airsofting, music. Porn. At the end of the day, I can't even think about anything but you. I go places, and I'm reminded of you everywhere.
I come to this board, to try to get my feelings out. Not anonymously, I need to vent this stuff. My job is tough enough on a Sunday dinner rush, without having a near panic attack.
You usually call me on sunday. I got a call friday at work I didn't hear, out of state area code....sent me spiraling.
I can't wait till your home. I miss you so very badly.
Shit here is impossible to deal with, I can't believe I'm trying to do this on my own. But I have to. I have no other choice.
Not to cry and whine...but this has been the hardest thing I've ever done.
I'm here. Please call.....
I know when you come home you'll be different. I'm fine with that. I just want you to come home.
I've never been through anything like this before. In my life. Ever.
Please...just call.
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Your result for Reincarnation Placement Exam... Early Explorer
You're all set to be an early explorer. Your answers indicate that you like adventure, whether it be on the high seas or across unexplored lands. And if you like to go exploring, there's a demand for the likes of you -- especially because you're willing do without all the baggage of civilization, a state-subsidized education, and the company of your fellow man. Nope, none of that for you! It seems you to like to be on your own in the wide, wild world. When you come of age, you can ply the seas in a fine old ship, or trek across virgin territory with a compass and some vague notions. Sure, it's dangerous and uncertain, but it's kind of like being on vacation all the time. Uncomplicated and unfettered, you get to explore and confront the unknowable challenges ahead of you. Take Reincarnation Placement Exam at HelloQuizzy
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Thursday, August 28th, 2008
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So is anyone thinking of going to this Tech Noir thing saturday in my area. It's been so long since I've been out, and I think for 5 dollars it should be kind of fun.
I don't know but I just need to start doing things more maybe?
I know I would like to go see MSI too....
And is there anybody on here near here that would be interested in a Halloweennowhere party at my house here in tonawanda?
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Saturday, August 23rd, 2008
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That wants to make 40 dollars?
Take me to see my son and bring my wife back.
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So this is going to be the last I see of Jen till december.
She was supposed to be picked up tomrrow when I went to see Cylus, and hang out for abit.
I've been trying to get this set up for a week now.....
Every single person I know has given me an excuse, ranging from
"oh my girlfriend, who lives at home when she goes to school, wants to see me sunday cause it's her last day before school starts" to
"I've gotten stood up in my plans, so I can't give you a ride tomrrow cause I'm feeling selfish"
Dude....I hate everyone.
I hate my life. I hate my family I hate my friends, I hate the national guard, I hate america, I hate me.....
I fucking hate everyone and everything right now, and there's nothing, not a thing anyone can do.
Why, just cause they'd have to drive...jesus christ, I'd pay 40 dollars for a ride right now. Thats ten fucking gallons of gas to go round trip, 60 miles. if your car gets 22 mpg, thats roughly 4 gallons of gas....you still have six left.
Why oh why has life gotten this bad for me. What have I done. Is it cause of that old man? My father, and his money and his ailment.
I'm not really happy right now...I really don't feel like anything is going to resolve this...
somebody please make this stop....
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Sunday, August 17th, 2008
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I just got an aim from a straw trout......had something to do with LJ posting...
WTF??
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Whats the world at?
Where is the children we need blind as a bat
to bad there's no where to combat
don't mind the bullocks, keep your heart in your hat
I don't think I have ever felt this old
Trying to figure out how to bebold
listening to the same story, different each time retold
I think of the waste that we have sold
Watch as the flag unfolds
Look at the children with truth untold
I don't want to be that guy, with the moss and mold
I Think I saw this movie before....
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My room is a mess. I haven't seen Cylus in so long. I miss Jen, and can't get a hold of her, at all.
Why, what did I do for all of this to happen?
Not to rehash an old story.
I always believed you could be the person you wanted to be. I didn't think it would cost both of us so much.
For all the regret I have, for all of this.
I think my heart will burst for all the grief. I hope...this is going to turn out better than I'm expecting. I don't have much hope anymore.
I know...it's been a couple of weeks since I had one of these episodes.
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yeah I think so.
I want to write something but, alas, there is nothing....
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Saturday, July 19th, 2008
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I've got my own computer back now full time. Instead of having to share with a greedy emotional blackmailing room-mate.
I also saved most of my music collection from when my old machine blew up. The 250 gig drive lost it's boot sector, almost 100 gig of music and photos...photo's of cylus and jen...were on that drive.
My Net Admin room mate recovered the data so I have my entire music collection back...
Is there any new chill out stuff, down tempo, trip hop stuff....
Doesn't portishead have a new album out?
And was does every chill out mixer decide that the same song from gorriaz needs to be on a mix?
Kitchen is rocking, friday night was the suck....Jen is good. Really good...
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Yeah...it's still the best thing from popular music in 20 years.....
Yeah...tonight it's on...the wife is in town...
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So, I've come to terms with my cooking. In other words, I'm comfortable to say that I've come to terms with my life in the restaurant business, and I think I have really found my true calling in that business.
I cooked tonight in my new kitchen. It's a corporate, and I don't want to brag, but they have become very successful in this area, and for good reason. They do have some fantastic food.
I'm broil cooking, and it's an important spot. Sufficed to say, I went in and it was like falling off of a bike.
I'm excited, and I think this is going to be someplace I'm going to stay for a bit, if things keep going this way.
I'm actually starting to think that the hole that has been around me for so long is starting to dissipate.
Well, I guess, I don't want to get too crazy.
I've been listening to a lot of sublime lately.
Yeah..shits cool.
Oh and did I mention that there are some really attractive women working at this kitchen. A small army...
Heh....
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| Time: | 9:59 pm. |
| Mood: |  accomplished. | | Music: | Army Of Me-Bjork. |
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yes.....employment. It's cooking...at willie nelsons place....but it's a job after so many months out of work...
I'll have moneys soon....
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Well, this week has ended well, Jen's leaving on the 27th of august to basic and AIT. This makes me fairly happy, in as much as we finally have a date.
It doesn't help with the being apart from Cylus for so long.
But at least there's a perspective date that we can have for her to come home.
Of course it's going to give me problems with where I'm living right now...but I suppose round december or so I will have to start looking for a place for the three of us.
Another reason I'm sort of happy right now is that I have my music collection coming back to me. This allows me to start getting back to another one of the things I love the most, music. My roommate, and good good friend Derrick managed to save my collection, off of the 250 gig, which was imploded. IT genius that he is, he managed to save all my shit. Which was years worth of collecting. Thank you man, this collection meant almost as much to me as my family. If that sounds wack, fuck off aye, anyone who knows me knows how much music means to me.
I know some people on this here LJ who are the same.
No airsofting this weekend. Probably not next weekend too. Jen will be in town to go to drill, and so I think I can get her to spend the nights with me.
That will be hot..in as much as this porn only world of mine has really got me down!!!
Libido is in full peak..
My rent and utilities are paid. We are having a problem in the house right now with one of the room-mates....me personally having situations with the person in question....shouldn't be long till we have a vacancy. I don't understand how a kid can walk in here, after we had the King of Con men living here, and think he's going to pull wool over peoples eyes.
Heh....I can afford a decent pack of smokes today. I don't know what to get, I do know that I will be getting another pack or two of rollies. I'm tired of the nicotine stains, but at 2.16 cents a package, it's hella better than 7.00....
What are we coming to in the States. I'm a little disheartened by the fact that smokes are 7.00 bucks, gas is starting to get just as high. When is the working class going to step up to the plate and actually do something to these fuckers?
There's plenty of reasons to impeach this yahoo that we have in office right now. Strike the get out of jail free cards he gave himself and his cronies and throw the fucker in jail.
Let him know what the system feels like. With apologies to Jay-Z:
"trapped in the system with the riff raff again
Judge gave bail at half a mil cause I'm american...."
meh....that is all...somebody get naked in my room huh????
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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There may not be a single thing that makes sense in the next post.
In that, there will be total sense.
Also, there is going to be no extreme danger dark things in here.
There's going to be some dangerously dark things in here.
Look see here's the thing, I don't always say the things I should say to you. Or, rather I say things in a language that makes it hard for anyone to understand.
But the thing that I have for you right now is an irrational demon parading in the name of love.
Something that god had never intended for two people to feel towards each other.
I feel like I drown in it most of the time. I wonder sometimes how you feel, but then you look at me in a way that I've never seen anyone else, and that even makes it worse.
I remember things that, I shouldn't, I've told you I've been around the block.
How can songs that used to make me think of this kind of fire, with another lost soul, now make me burn just for you.
Does that make sense...like damn....it's even deeper than that?
Yeah, it's deeper than that. She messed me up alright, made me who I am, at least gave me a taste of THIS though.
I'm sorry baby girl...it is really deeper than that....
Is that the way it should be?
Yeah. I can't forgive the steps that have been taken, I apologize for that.
I loose my train of thought, I've lost my pathway here, there is some redemption. I wish I could hold this, what I have in my mind right now.
I'm floating
I'm flying
I'm dying
if you need me I'm the one in the corner wondering......
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Once again, a sunday comes and goes, and I'm s.o.l. on getting a ride out to colden to see Jen and Cylus. This time it sucks even worse cause I promised Boo-Boo I would be there.
This is part of the hassle of this whole guard thing.
Not having a car, or an easier way to get to Cylus is going to make this as hard as possible on me, and him. I don't want him to think that I don't want to be with him.
But I can't seem to get anyone to actually believe my plight.
I'm so lost without my family.
I can't really seem to knock sense into Jen, I've been telling her since last year that I had a bad feeling about all of this. Through the airsoft community, I've had a chance to talk to someone yesterday who is not a recruiter.
He told me some wise advice, and I wish she would get this through her thick skull:
"take advantage of the army before it takes advantage of you"
"you have to take hold and control your destiny"
10 months and still counting. The last thing she heard from her recruiter is
"your a member of your unit now, so procedure is different"
I was told yesterday that if there's still more run around, that we should sit down with her recruiter, and explain our situation, and give him some time on getting things together.
And, if things continue going the way their going, that we should contact the inspector general.
I wonder if we've gone past this. Her recruiter seems to not really even care on weather or not this is destroying our family. Taking a year away from my son and I. He's growing up, and I've already missed a year almost. I can't get that back.
I've felt in the last week, that there's 3 options available.
1. I run. I go to San Diego with adam and I don't ever look back. But am I strong enough to turn my back on my son, like people have done to me?
2. I divorce Jen. She never seems to listen to a word I say, or is unable to do the things that I am asking her for. I've raised my concerns to her over the last year and a half, I've raised my concerns to her and her recruiter. I was brushed off. I'm still tired of having all the demands placed on me, jump through hoops and what not, and then a simple thing like getting this all sorted out falls on deaf ears. It seems that she cares more about doing this than having our family together, and at this point, I don't see how we can come back from all of this.
3. It's too dark to even discuss here. I don't even want to say it.
I feel so helpless, and I'm in such pain, and I know that Cylus is in pain too. I don't want that anymore, and I don't think it's fair. I don't care what she says, I can't go on this way.
Why won't anyone listen to me ever. Why do I keep getting into these sorts of situations. I don't believe a word she has to say about it, because she can't get the balls to get into her recruiters face and say
"I want my family to be back together you stupid fuck, lets get the show on the road!"
Sometimes I think her inability to stand up for herself is going to kill me.
I regret this, everyday of my life.
Fuck you ARNG....fuck you and all your lies. Fuck you america, fuck your wars and oil and all this bullshit.
I hope, that when I finally am gone (I can't see an end to this anymore, except for one) that this journal will be read by someone, and they learn from it.
The things that they promise, are lies, and not worth this sort of regret!
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Thursday, June 26th, 2008
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Humble and Helpless and learning to pray
Praying for visions to show me the way…
Show me the way to forgive you
Allow me to let it go
Allow me to be forgiven
Show me the way to let go
Show me the way to forgive you
Allow me to let it go
Allow me to be forgiven
Show me the way to let go
You make me...
Waiting, just praying for you to show me
How to begin
Come into my,
Come into my,
Come into my,
Come into my misery
This is the last one today....I promise....
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Tilling my own grave to keep me level
Jam another dragon down the hole
Digging to the rhythm and the echo of a solitary siren
One that pushes me along and leaves me so
Desperate and Ravenous
I'm so weak and powerless over you
Someone feed the monkey while I dig in search of China
White as Dracula as I approach the bottom
Desperate and Ravenous
I'm so weak and powerless over you
Pale angel go away
Come again some other day
The devil has my ear today
I'll never hear of what you say
Promised I would find a little solace
And some piece of mind
Whatever just as long as I don't feel so
Desperate and Ravenous
I'm so weak and powerless over you
Desperate and Ravenous
I'm so weak and powerless
over you
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tdotruvon's journal
anxious.
angry.
pessimistic.
discontent.